- the next trimester - the next trimester
Week 12 Week 13 : Does my bump look big in this? Week 14

"That's the third time this week that someone's mentioned the gestation period of an elephant. Are you trying to tell me something?" -a.

Baby stats:
Current size: About 10 cherries.
Weight in cherries eaten: 3 kilos
Aimee's key symptom: Rapid weight loss - 2 kilos due to vomiting.

Developed this week: The baby's lifelong love or hatred of cherries.
Kevin's thoughts:
Science continues to astound us. Just when we think we've achieved the pinnacle of innovation, someone breaks the surly bonds of conventional engineering and does the unthinkable, once again raising the bar of the collective potential of humanity.

Razors with four pivoting swivel-headed blades! Boil in bag rice! Leaf-blowers! Rims that continue to spin after the car has stopped! What further breakthroughs could possibly be over the horizon for the common man? Can life get even better?

Sadly, sarcastically, yes it can.

For, once again, a company has dared to transcend beyond the barriers of ethics, taste, fashion, and childhood education, and developed the most unlikely (yet delightfully sassy) collection of role models for our nation's youth since Teen Talk Barbie.

I'm talking, of course, about Baby Bratz.

Who are the lucky ad wizards who get to write the jingle for these?

Cheeky little babies
Who look like tramps
Never know what you'll find
In our pants...
Baby Bratz! Hey Sailor!
While Aimee was trying on trousers (come to think of it, I can't think of the last time Aimee felt well enough to go trousing), I stumbled across these delinquent beauties somewhere between Weebleville and the Baby Einstein collection.

Aren't they adorable? With their low-rise midriff framing skirts and sultry, alluring, come-hither eyes, what self respecting two year old WOULDN'T want one of these?

EGADS! What's wrong with... with... PEOPLE? Who demands toys like this? Somehow, these managed to make it through all the experts, all the censors, all the executives, all the board meetings, and end up on the shelves of a respectable shop like Mothercare?

Is this what the world has asked for, or is this simply what we've been provided? Where are the Lisa Lionhearts? Stored away in some government bunker, no doubt, until humanity is ready to accept the technology.

I just don't get it. I honestly can't get my head around it. What is the chain of events that allows this poor excuse for a role model to be created, manufactured, marketed and shipped in what appears to be the lowest point of child-targeted consumerism I've ever witnessed? Perhaps the scenario went a little like this...

...Granny shuffles into the shop. It's her granddaughter's first Christmas, and she's looking for a good wholesome gift like she used to have when she was a child... like, a doll! Perfect. A doll. She spends some time perusing the aisles and aisles of dolls suitable for a 7-month old, but sadly, she just can't find the one she wants. She calls over an employee.

"Yes, ma'am?"
"Hello miss, I was wondering if you could help me. I've been looking at these dolls, and none of them seem to suit my granddaughter. I was wondering, do you have anything... sluttier?"
"How do you mean, ma'am?"
"Oh, you know... trampy. Tight mesh top? Hooker makeup? Maybe some fishnets? That sort of thing."
"Hmm, no, I don't think there is such a thing."
"Perhaps a thong then? Or some thigh-high bitch boots?"
"I'm sorry, the closest you're going to come to a tramp is Sleepover Barbie."
"Oh, that's too bad."
"I know... In fact, you're the third person today to ask for something like that. Babies that look like whores seem to be in high demand. Maybe I should put a call into head office, see what the gals in marketing can come up with?"
"Oh, dearie, would you? Until then - sigh - my little Foxxxy is just going to have to settle for the mascara I bought her."
"Aw, bless."

Moral of the story: Don't buy these! According to the basic law of supply and demand, if nobody demands, they don't supply. The quicker the toy companies figure out that we aren't interested in Staxx the Stipper, Bluntie Junkie or My Li'l Dominatrix, the better.

It appears my writeup is considerably longer than the rest of this page, so even though I haven't yet begun to crack the iceberg and give this subject the rant it truly deserves, perhaps I'll just have to wind it up with a hat-tipping to me old mate Mr. Skinnylegs, may he rest in peace:

Baby Bratz? I reckon that's crap.
Aimee's thoughts:
POP! This week I just popped out of myself and out of most of my clothes! I've officially made it past the chubby tummy stage and entered the mildly pregnant stage. I'm quite proud of my little bump.

What I'm not as proud of is my current wardrobe. It looks as though about 70% of the clothes are going to have to go, including every single pair of trousers I own. Luckily, Kev and I made a trip to Mothercare last week (a seriously tenuous outing for me in my current state), so I've got a grand total of two new pairs of trousers - work trousers and home trousers. It's like being back on the bikes in Australia when we had one shirt for bike riding and one shirt for being around civilized folk.

When maternity clothes are too ugly, just but the stretchiest 'normal' clothes you can find!
Proper planning is the key to success here. If you're buying a pair of trousers, you'd better be sure they're comfortable enough to wear every day for months and will fit just as well for a grapefruit tummy as a watermelon tummy. Coupled with this is the ability to not get bored with your own appearance as you wear those same trousers day in and day out. This is where I may become challenged.

Now that we're around civilized folk every day, I like a good dose of variety in my wardobe. I think I'm going to have to get very creative if this is going to happen anytime in the next six months. Perhaps my tummy will get so big that I won't be able to see that I'm wearing the same trousers? Perhaps I'll begin to take some trips to Accessorize to jazz things up?

Did you know?

At week 13, our little baby is fully developed and all that needs to happen from this point forward is grow, grow, grow!

Such a rate of growth, in fact, that if it were to continue after birth, the baby would be 13 feet tall at one month of age! That'd surely help us fulfill our lifelong dream of appearing in a supermarket tabloid next to Bat Boy Found in Cave!
Preggy Pal of the Week!

Isn't it weird how all of your friends seem to get pregnant at the same time? Is it to do with age, or biological clocks, or is it like when you hear something on the radio and then keep hearing it for the rest of the day?

In any case, it's time for to pay tribute to all of those folks out there who aren't us, yet are also pregnant! That's two reasons to be happy! Time to meet...

Mikki and Rigel
When's it due? Who knows? I think even with the most precise medical knowledge these litle ones just pop out when they are good and ready - October sometime - knowing my luck it will be Halloween and a little ghoul will be born ha ha ha ha.

Any names picked out? Zuben for a boy, after the star Zubenelgenubi - Jasmine for a girl, but I am not set on it - at the moment the bump is known as 'Zube'.

Will you know the sex of the baby before it's born? I really want to know but at the same time I want a surprise - I'll see what happens in the scan and how I feel on the day, although the emphasis has been on having a surprise...

Any weird cravings? Nothing weird, just Oranges and loads of them - satsumas or clementines, anything - also pork scratchings... I just can't get enough of them ha ha ha! - generally I just love eating food and lots of it!

Most memorable moment? Feeling my baby move - I was sat in greece and my friend was talking about the baby and suddenly out of now where I jumped out of my skin and my belly moved and I felt the baby properly move for the first time - now I feel it daily and it is a warm gooey feeling that makes my back tingle with glee...

The best pregnancy advice you'd like to pass on? Listen to your body; it tells you want you need. Do not stress over all the excess conflicting advice avaliable - I feel like the first person in the world ever to go through this but I have to keep reminding myself my body is designed to do this, and women have done it since the beginning of human time.

Anything else you'd like to add? Don't panic if you are not enjoying pregnancy too much. I have days when I love it and days when I hate it - heavy bump, bad back, the heat, hayfever, worry - but this is all part of it. Some people preach how you should feel the best you ever have and how it is wonderful (it is!) but at the same time it is shit scarey and new so you have to learn ... it's almost like being at school again and having to learn a whole new subject in 9 months - but it is amazing really and I thank my lucky stars to be able to experience it all - incredibubble :o)
Everyone into the poll!

Fashion while pregnant is a minefield - not only do you have to avoid all the tablecloths masquerading as maternity clothes, but you've also go to try to cover a giant buddha belly. Or do you...?
Q. Showing off your bare bump in short-cropped shirts... chav or yummy mummy?
    Chav       Yummy

Results next week!
Last Week's Poll:

Baby's Book of the Week

The Disappearing Cheese
By Paul Harrison
With a gripping opening line, I expected this to be a riveting drama shadowing the hare-brained antics of a foolish seafaring gent and his even more foolish and obedient family. However, within a few pages, the entire storyline seemed to depend on the hope that no one would clue into the fact that the cheese was the moon's reflection in the water. As well, the execution depended entirely on the illustrations, which being inside the womb, the baby had no access to, and thus couldn't be in on the joke unless it was explicitly spelled out, ruining the timing of the anticlimactic punchline. In a word, contrived. Baby no like.
Aimee's cravings

Cherries by the kilo! It is possible that this is a seasonal craving, not a baby craving, but since that's all Aimee seems to be eating these days, it certainly counts.

Send a message to the womb and beyond!

baby plays dressup

We've got mail...

Hate to break the news to you, but according to the stats, only 40-60% of women who have morning sickness get over it by week 14-16. The rest sort of peter out along the way, with about 10% continuing all the way up to the point that you don't have a passenger any more. Most of them seem to be done by around week 20. If you're still sick after that, well, you're likely doomed to the end. Hope this helps cheer you up :-)
- Dan
Nepean, ON

Thank you so much for sending us the latest on Baby Beimers. I am so happy to be on your lengthy mailing list. I plan on getting down to the basement more often and will check for all your updates.
A huge congratulations on the pregnancy. We are so pleased for all of you. I must forward some pictures of our grandkids to you soon.
So, you are pretty sure the doctor is wrong about the due date--- what do they know anyway. It would be nice to have the baby on Kev's birthday but Nov. 26 is Al's mom's birthday too and that would be nice for us. I can't figure out anything in the ultrasound pics, but we'll get more of a sense next time.
- Auntie Cath and Uncle Al and all the cousins.
St. Catharines, ON

Kev, I totally agree with your thoughts on the Bratz. They are sluts in a box. Even worse, they have developed a cartoon out of such nonsense, which of course, my 4 year old is mezmerized with. Yesterday's episode was about how overeating starchy carbs will make you overweight and eventually dead. Needless to say, I was less than thrilled.
- Nadia
Thunder Bay, ON

Holy crap I laughed my ass off at your critique of the Bratz dolls. Very accurate description. Don't worry, there's always Trolls. Yes, I did see some of those craptacular troll key chains in WalMart the other day and instantly thought of you! Die Troll and Brat scum! Boo!
- Colin
Dryden, ON

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Interested in Kevin and Aimee's other adventures? Of course you are!
Lose a month out of your life reading the Roadtrip or the Bikeabout. They're rather funny.

© 2006 Kevin & Aimee & Baby Beimers.
Blessed by Kev. Toasted by Aim. Approved by Gina.